Broken World, Broken Savior, Broken Curse

I have been thinking a lot lately about what it means to live in such a totally broken world. People die, relationships are fragmented, injustice flourishes - sometimes it just seems like a little too much to handle. I will be honest with you, this is especially hard being a history major. So often, going into a history class amounts to having 50 minutes of the fruit of the Fall shoved in your face. People talk about how history is "His-story," which is true in the sense that God sovereignly rules over it. I think in many ways this view tries to tame or dignify history too much, though, by simply saying he is "in control." History is broken, and using sentimental platitudes to prop it up doesn't work.

The facts are, most of history is the story of humanity breaking God's heart over and over again. Occasionally, God's grace and continuing redemptive work shine through in truly remarkable and visible ways, but other times...it is ugly. Really ugly. Yes, he is in control, but we will never fully understand how his sovereignty, our freedom, and evil fit together. History is only "redeemed" because the course of the entire world, including my life, is bound together with the life of the Incarnate Christ and His past, present, and future victory over sin. We may not know why such horrible things happen, but we do know that God is not passive about evil - He died out of his hatred toward it and his desire to redeem us. God's sovereign rule over history alone would not be enough to make it the heart-wrenchingly beautiful thing it is. Any "god" could be sovereign over history, and potentially be causing the evil we see as part of his/her/its plan. Sovereignty isn't enough - you have to have the broken body of Christ on the cross, too. I would be depressed studying what I am studying with out these truths. Thankfully, I do not have to look at history and accept its bloody, twisted, and heart-breaking story as "the way things are supposed to be." It is under a Curse - Christ died to free us from it, and one day his victory will be fully realized. That is such a comfort.

In the mean time, or the "not yet," I want to hurt. I am amazed at how callused and desensitized some history majors become to what we study every day. I don't want this to happen to me. I want to grieve when I study how Christians shamelessly butchered Muslims for the sake of political gain and legalistic pietism during the Crusades. I want to cry when I read journals of communist women who were tortured by having firecrackers ignited in their vaginas during the Chinese Civil War. I want to mourn when I hear stories of Jews hiding for days under piles of rotting corpses while German forces moved through their towns during World War II. And, more than anything, I want to weep when I think of God Incarnate entering a particular place and time in our history and having his body utterly broken by the "righteous" of His day. History is beautiful, but only because He chose to enter it and break the Curse of the Fall. Without that...well, I would just be wallowing in man's depravity each day I went to class. His grace and promises are that much more beautiful against the backdrop of the brokenness humanity breeds with such talent. The words to this song pretty much embody what I have been feeling, but it does so on a personal, day-to-day level, rather than on a historical plane:

"18 Bullet Holes," by Waterdeep.

18 bullet holes in the body of a priest
They say he was eating a hot dog when the ammunition was released.
They say he was always fat and lazy but he was an awfully nice guy.
That's just one more death to show you you never know when you're gonna die.
You might be facing the beast

Sometimes, God, I feel like I'm living in a bone grinding mill
And every time I hear the sound I can barely stand still
It's a thing I can't quite make out sometimes but it seems to keep getting louder-
One more body from the valley of the dry bones getting ground up into powder
Against Your holy will

Oh, God, it hurts so bad to love anybody down here
Why don't You come and help me out?
Cause I can't even see clear

The funny thing about the way a girl gets destroyed
About the way that deal goes down
Is that everybody pretty much sees it coming at the sister
From all the way across town
And she isn't always blinded, she isn't always far astray
She just might not be thinking, she might be having a bad day
But when you choose, you choose, and when you drown, you drown

Oh, God, it hurts so bad to love anybody down here
Why don't You come and help me out?
Cause I can't even see clear

Last night I dreamed that You swallowed me into Yourself
And I was floating on the sea inside
When I landed on the shore, I saw all these people that I thought had died
I hadn't seen some of them for ages
They had left without a single word
And when I said something to them, not a single one of them heard

They were all looking right through everything like it wasn't even there
Some were full of anger, some full of fear
And then I recognized that something very sad
But very beautiful was happening right here
They were all caught outside standing alone in a very heavy rain
And when a raindrop landed on my tongue
I didn't need You to explain
That these were Your tears

Oh, God, it hurts so bad to love anybody down here
Oh, that's right, You know so well
One thorny crown, three nails, and a spear
One thorny crown, three nails, and a spear

2 Failed Republican Governments, 30 Million Dead People, 3.5 Hours, and 13 Pages Later...

I am done. Finally done. I really cannot describe how good it feels to be free of academia for three full weeks. (OK, except Arabic. I am pretty sure that class will be hounding me till I kick the bucket.) This finals week was by far the worst of my college career so far.

You see, I have a problem. I like learning. In fact, maybe I like it a bit too much. I knew I would have a rough semester when I was registering for this fall, (17 hours) but I refused to take easy blow-off professors for my core classes. I would so much rather have a good (and hard) professor and work my tail off than go to class and think about how much time and money I am wasting. So, Yours Truly took hard classes and hard professors. Do I regret it? No. I loved my classes, and learned a stinkin' ton, so I think it was worth it. Since I have been a total bum and not updated this in four months, I guess I will give you the rundown.

By far my two hardest classes were Arabic and Modern China and Japan. Arabic was a three hour night class with a one hour lab, and took a good 10 hours of homework a week. I absolutely love it, however. The language makes SO much more sense than our convoluted-lousy-excuse-for-a-grammatical-structure friend English. Plus, it is absolutely gorgeous. That is, it is gorgeous once you get the initial loogie-hawking stage. =)

Modern China and Japan was my single history class this semester. (Besides art history, which is technically a fine arts class.) It was fantastic, but insane. Rather, my professor was insane. Dr. Morton, who is quite possibly one of the most fantastic and hilarious teachers I have ever sat under, is the object of a perpetual love-hate relationship on my part. I love his teaching, his purple sweater vests, and his burgundy corduroys. (Yes, he wears them together quite frequently.) His tests are ridiculous, though. Hence the hate part. He gave us a "study guide" a week before our final consisting of a mere 220 terms and 30 essay/study questions. This is the infamous test to which the title of this post refers. 20th century Asian history can be a trip and a half, let me tell you. However, it is over, and I am now just waiting to see what the damage was.

So...how was this semester besides such trivial things as famines, controposto, and Arianism? Well, it was fantastic. I have all new roommates and suite mates, and I could not ask for a better living situation. God has been so faithful to me. I love all of the girls immensely. Our suite is a hilarious, encouraging, and convicting environment all at the same time. The girls I am living with are such blessings to me.

I am also "discipleship coordinator" (or DC) for my hall. This means I basically hold a non-administrative RA position. I lead prayer and praises for our hall, write girls lots of notes, try and keep up with them and pray for them, and serve as a support for our RA. To be honest, it was really rough this semester. Our RA was a last minute pinch-hitter, and to make a long story short, she could only do it one semester because she is getting married at the end of December. She was an incredibly sweet girl, but simply TOO busy to be an RA. This meant that a lot of things did not get done on the hall. I took up the slack for some of them, but not all of them. It was a really good exercise for me to simply say "God, this is YOUR hall...I will be faithful to do what you have called me to do on it, but I can't do everything. You will be faithful to do with it what you will." As someone who is always stretching herself and sacrificing for the sake of others, it was a good learning experience to have to let something go that I could have theoretically fixed. Yes, I actually curbed my drivenness and said "no" to something! (Some of you who do not know me well may not understand what a monumental accomplishment that was for me. Some of you do know my sister, though. Imagine her trying to say "no," and you pretty much have got the idea.) You can pray for me as I continue DCing. One of my suite mates is the new RA, and I think she will do a fantastic job. I am really looking forward to working with her. Pray that I learn how to use my time more flexibly. I am good at spending intentional time with the girls, but pray that I can invest in them in more "random" ways as well.

Right, well I had better go. Our house has no internet at the moment thanks to the unfortunate ramifications of ice storms and power outages. I am writing at Nordaggio's at the moment, and I think my family is about ready to go. Have a merry Christmas, New Year's, Valentine's, St. Patrick's, and Easter since I probably will not post again until after all those fine festivities. By now you have probably come to expect as much from med. In fact, I bet I wrote more for my Modern China and Japan final than I have written on this blog in the past two years. Oh well. I don't feel too guilty...so keep wishing.

Stoned Chipmunk

(Warning: the following post is written under the influence of generous amounts of oxycodone.)

Yup, that’s me. Or rather, that’s me after getting my wisdom teeth out yesterday. Granted, I am no stranger to people messing around in my mouth. This is the fourth time in my life I have been put under to have teeth of various quantities pulled. I am pleased to say, though, that the “happy-pill” they gave me to take an hour before the surgery was no less entertaining the fourth time around than it was the first. The complete inability to stand up straight or sit without sliding off of a chair, along with the inexplicable feeling that nothing could possibly go wrong in the world and my brothers chuckles about my evidently humorous behavior, made for quite an interesting experience. (Seriously, that pill makes it easy to see how being a drug addict could be attractive. Don’t worry, though.) =)
This round of teeth-pulling was slightly less routine, however. See, as of two years ago, I was going to be able to keep my wisdom teeth. Then, just as I was rejoicing that I was going to avoid yet another surgery, one day the friendly dental hygienist had to burst my bubble. “Oh...your latest x-ray shows you have six! That is so cool!” *Right, maybe cool for you. I am going to be the one eating jell-o and pudding (neither of which I like) for days.* They decided to go ahead and take all six wisdom teeth out so long as they were going to have to mess with getting numbers 5 & 6 out anyway.
So, that brings us to today. I have a prominently round (and red) jaw at the moment and feel totally devoid of any great level of self-awareness. However, I am at least aware of a strong urge to actually be able to brush my teeth and eat something that has not been blenderized. In the meantime, maybe I will go watch more Project Runway reruns. (Yes – I am officially out of my right mind.) Oh well, if I have to look like a chipmunk I might as well be a stoned one, right?

Enough Said

We come with beautiful secrets
We come with purposes written on our hearts, written on our souls
We come to every new morning
With possibilities only we can hold, that only we can hold

Redemption comes in strange place, small spaces
Calling out the best of who we are

And I want to add to the beauty
To tell a better story
I want to shine with the light
That's burning up inside[...]

This is grace, an invitation to be beautiful
This is grace, an invitation
- Sara Groves

The One and the Many - Katie and the Other Cattle

Well. Here it goes! Mom officially left today and I am a college student! I am really excited. My roommates are amazing and I like my hall a lot. The thing I am actually most nervous about is, well, the school part. Hehe. It is just weird to be making such a big academic leap in to the unknown. Sure, it isn’t straight out of Kierkegaard. Ryan and Paige keep telling me I will be just fine, it is still just a bit weird. I have three more days of orientation to endure before that quantity becomes less unknown, and so until then…
LIFE! What is it like, you may ask, being stuck on a campus with 350 other freshmen? Well, after lots of ice breakers, obligatory meetings, and pictures, it isn’t too bad. There are several other girls I have met on and off the hall that I think I will really like. So far the male gender has only managed to confirm my ever-mounting suspicions that they really are off at best balance until they’re 25+. (Sorry to any male readers! If you know me well enough to have this blog address you are probably an exception. =) )
I just came back from having a class picture taken in the rain. Yes, you heard correctly: 350 freshmen packed on the chapel steps while the beautiful Smokey Mountain sky decided that it likes pictures even less than I do. The upside of this intervention meant that they took the pictures very quickly and got us going in less than seven minutes.
I have to run soon. I am going to eat dinner at one of my professor’s tonight. He is teaching the “freshmen” class to my group. It should be fun to meet his family. I will try to keep you updated better this year. Then again, I have a feeling that Beck is the only person who checks this and I talk to her. Hmm. Well, until I feel motivated again…

Five days, nine hours, twenty seconds...And a fat cat

Yes, my friends...the monotony of high school is finally coming to a close. Needless to say, I am EXTREMELY happy about this. =) I have an apologetics paper and my senior thesis yet to go, but beyond that, yours truly is almost done. *happy Katie jig*

I have something even more amusing to share with you, though. (Yes, even more amusing than watching Katie try to dance.) Right, so my cat Streak, (aka the Might Snake Huntress on my sister's blog,) had some morning entertainment scheduled for us. You should be very proud of me - I have even included pictures to illustrate!

So streak has taken to sleeping on the back porch ALL day. At night, however, she is rather productive. She chased a mouse up early this morning, a rather usual pastime. The mouse got rather inventive after this point. It climbed up the stone wall of our house and perched itself on the rafters. It is the little tiny black spot in this picture.



Streak, deprived of her prey, is now sleeping happily.



Here, you can see both woodland creatures together. (The mouse is the little black spot at the very top.)



The mouse is still holding on for dear life up there...I am trying to convince one of the male members of our household to go rescue it. So, there you go. I will be back in another two months.

Pending...

Right, so it is now spring break! I thought I actually felt something in the way of a desire to post...but...nope. I want to/need to go practice piano. I will try and get a post up by the end of this week, though. But for you, my non-existent reader(s), I will leave this teaser...

1. Getting a Mono test between debate rounds, and ending up being 2nd alternate for Nationals. Still trying to figure out how that one worked out...God is good.
2. Great, (but awkward,) conversations between a homosexual male and myself about my lack of being kissed.
3. Reading Crime and Punishment and actually liking it.
4. Having a cat repeatedly attack you while you attempt to sleep.
5. Having little brothers break down into hysterics when you don't relinquish the computer to them right away, (aka NOW.)

Well, I would hate to make Jonny-boy cry, so I had better run. More details coming. *cricket, cricket*

-kate